John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
When you were born it made me so happy, I thought I’d never understand pain again. How could something so amazing and beautiful happen in my ordinary life? I never got much, but then I never asked for much. You were both so perfect and looking back; your personalities were evident when you were pulled out of the womb. Logan bright eyed and relaxing as they placed you on the table to clean you, curious about the world around you. Katlynn, angry and urinating. Screaming. I got it then. You don’t like to be messed with. You calmed as we held you and made you feel loved again.
It took me a few tries to find this verse with the word begotten in it. Such a shame, because from a parent’s point of view it is such a beautiful word. It can mean to procreate or produce offspring. It also means to cause or to produce as an effect, as in evaporation begets rain, or as in this case love begat children. You were born out of love. You are the direct result of an emotional connection in which two people with every fiber of their being, wanted to become deeper and more involved in each other’s lives. That is quite the connection we have.
Sometimes, I am deceived by myself into thinking that I understand what sacrifice is. I don’t even know how often I am convinced that I moved a few hours away so that you can be better than I ever was. I left everything I ever knew and grew up with. I didn’t feel that I was doing anything in my life that was going to benefit all of us. As I prayed for doors to open they did. The truth is I’ve received a lot in return. My life trajectory was not designed with college in mind. It also was not designed with service to others in mind. It definitely wasn’t designed in a way to facilitate some of the things I have experienced and the spiritual growth that has come from these things. But, this sacrifice, as I often understand it to be, has come with many painful sleepless nights. You haunt my thoughts and my dreams. Sometimes I hear you in the other room when you are not there. Sometimes, your empty bedroom brings me to tears. It’s nobody’s fault. It is just better for everyone that you know me for the man I am now, rather than the man I used to be. That man wasn’t horrible, but that man didn’t have a lot to offer.
I realize I didn’t give you up. I am thankful for your friendship, your love, and your affection. I am thankful for wonderful moments, and the fact we get to experience wonderful things together from time to time. I enjoy opening your emails and an occasional text. You are thoughtful, loving and amazing daughters.
Lord I am thankful for your sacrificial love. For sending a part of yourself to die in the hopes that we would not reject you. Thank you for your love and faithfulness. I ask that you guide my daughters into learning and experiencing your love in their own lives, and that they come to know your sacrifice, and your son Jesus Christ.